I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy

2004 has been a fine year so far, but I received news today which indicates that 2005 is going to be a real scene, man. According to the information available to me at this time, it seems that all those warnings about global warming which we ignored are clearly going to come into effect in a big way, causing totally tripped-out climate change which is not likely to be any fun for anyone.

My source of this information is the 2005 diary which I purchased in a local shoppe not this very afternoon. I like to buy a diary every year, even though it's a rare year that I'll write on more than a few of the pages.

The nice thing about diaries, and indeed about their stationery relations, the calendar, is that you get the first scoop on the new year. For example, I am already aware that Christmas Day and Boxing Day will fall on a weekend this year, resulting in bonus extra days off for everyone. Yay! As expected, New Year in England and Scotland will fall on January 1st, I can confirm, and while there is an unexplained "Holiday" on January 3rd, in Scotland there are two extra holidays on January 2nd and 4th. I don't know what's going on there, but when it comes to bonus bank holidays, Scotland is clearly the place to be. According to this they don't have an Easter Monday, though, so perhaps a day trip back to England on that day would be the style.

Nonetheless, my point, and I do have one, is this. Amongst the many pieces of essential information in the front of my diary, which will be of much use to me if I ever need to work out non-British ("continental" !) shoe, shirt or suit sizes, is a list of the Sunrises and Sunsets in the year 2005. And it is here that the full effects of man's disregard for the environment are now shockingly apparent.

For the week beginning January 1st, the sun will rise at 12 minutes past 10pm every night. It will stay risen, during the night, until 11am the next morning, at which point it will set. I cannot imagine how inconvenient this will be.

The next week is better. From January 8th, the sun rises at a more conventional time of 06.24am, quite in line with ordinary expectations. Tweety birds will sing, people will rise from their beds, and everyone will wonder what the hell was wrong with the sun coming out at night last week. But no! Because this same week, the sun will also set at just after 1pm in the afternoon! Just when you thought things were back to normal, they lower the boom on you and make it night-time just after lunch. People will spill out of their busy offices for their lunchtime sandwich, and have to go home instead! The week of January 15th indicates that the sun is having a lie in, rising at a leisurely 10.40am, bringing light to the masses for just over 12 hours before settling at a quite reasonable time of 11.10pm. This arrangement will probably be easier to get used to, but next week it changes again, with the sun rising at 12 minutes past 1 in the afternoon, and not setting until 6.30am the next morning! Maybe the sun is planning on going to a rave that week, or something.

The whole year seems to be similarly whacked-out like this, with the sun rising in the middle of the night and setting at stupid times of the morning, changing nearly every week, but for the week of June 25th no time of the sun rising is given at all! It just says **.**. Closer inspection of the small print reveals that this "indicates that the phenomenon does not occur" - so for one week in June the sun will not rise AT ALL!! People will ask what happned to the sun, experts will explain, "ah, this week, the phenomenon does not occur" and we can probably stay in bed for the full seven days.

I am deeply concerned that the state of our environment has got this bad. Concerned, and confused also, as I cannot see how this timetable can possibly be adhered to. According to this information, in many weeks we can apparently expect 18 hours a day of continuous sunlight, which must be terribly bad news for people in Australia and on the other side of the world generally, who will be unable to enjoy their regularly scheduled sunlight on account of it having lost its mind, suddenly deciding to spend 18 hours a day illuminating baffled people in England. (And Scotland, too, where I understand sunlight and better holidays are also available.)

I suppose a cynic might suggest that the information in my diary is just so obviously incorrect as to be unworthy of comment, but up until now I have had no reason to doubt the information in such a reputable publication. Nonetheless, next year perhaps I should be cautious if I am offered any "continental" size 87 shoes.