Monday, October 11, 2004

Enemy of the State

I can't help but notice that quite often when I am travelling on a train, there are people sitting quite close to me who don't actually have to show their tickets when the person comes to check them. It's because they're policemen.

OK, now you expect to see the odd policeman now and again. But these guys are in plain clothes. And they're on the train. With me. A few seats away. Not just once, but twice now. And those are just the ones I've seen. Who knows how many there were who were less conspicuous and weren't flashing their badge around for anyone to see?

The conclusion is obvious, ladies and gentlemen. I have been declared an enemy of the state, and am under constant surveillance by "the man". Yes, who would know that in the space of just six blog editions I would become a wanted fugitive, on the run from the authorities who would seek to silence my outspoken thoughts on spots, toilet paper, and the times of the sunrise in 2005.

I am unsure how to handle my new found status. Nonetheless, it is clear that I am a dangerous man. The authorities cannot handle me, because I tell it like it is. I should take precautions, like scrambling my email so nobody else can read it, and only writing my blogs in code. Some would say I do that anyway. But if the authorities are intercepting this communication, my message is clear - my beliefs are totally changeable. You don't need to worry about arresting me or anything. Just slip an envelope full of tenners in with my shopping when Tesco deliver it on Thursday, and I'll say nice things about anything and anyone you like, even George Bush. I'll also stop talking about toilet rolls if you so desire. Everyone has their price, and I'm awfully cheap. Thankyou.

Monday, October 04, 2004

I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy

2004 has been a fine year so far, but I received news today which indicates that 2005 is going to be a real scene, man. According to the information available to me at this time, it seems that all those warnings about global warming which we ignored are clearly going to come into effect in a big way, causing totally tripped-out climate change which is not likely to be any fun for anyone.

My source of this information is the 2005 diary which I purchased in a local shoppe not this very afternoon. I like to buy a diary every year, even though it's a rare year that I'll write on more than a few of the pages.

The nice thing about diaries, and indeed about their stationery relations, the calendar, is that you get the first scoop on the new year. For example, I am already aware that Christmas Day and Boxing Day will fall on a weekend this year, resulting in bonus extra days off for everyone. Yay! As expected, New Year in England and Scotland will fall on January 1st, I can confirm, and while there is an unexplained "Holiday" on January 3rd, in Scotland there are two extra holidays on January 2nd and 4th. I don't know what's going on there, but when it comes to bonus bank holidays, Scotland is clearly the place to be. According to this they don't have an Easter Monday, though, so perhaps a day trip back to England on that day would be the style.

Nonetheless, my point, and I do have one, is this. Amongst the many pieces of essential information in the front of my diary, which will be of much use to me if I ever need to work out non-British ("continental" !) shoe, shirt or suit sizes, is a list of the Sunrises and Sunsets in the year 2005. And it is here that the full effects of man's disregard for the environment are now shockingly apparent.

For the week beginning January 1st, the sun will rise at 12 minutes past 10pm every night. It will stay risen, during the night, until 11am the next morning, at which point it will set. I cannot imagine how inconvenient this will be.

The next week is better. From January 8th, the sun rises at a more conventional time of 06.24am, quite in line with ordinary expectations. Tweety birds will sing, people will rise from their beds, and everyone will wonder what the hell was wrong with the sun coming out at night last week. But no! Because this same week, the sun will also set at just after 1pm in the afternoon! Just when you thought things were back to normal, they lower the boom on you and make it night-time just after lunch. People will spill out of their busy offices for their lunchtime sandwich, and have to go home instead! The week of January 15th indicates that the sun is having a lie in, rising at a leisurely 10.40am, bringing light to the masses for just over 12 hours before settling at a quite reasonable time of 11.10pm. This arrangement will probably be easier to get used to, but next week it changes again, with the sun rising at 12 minutes past 1 in the afternoon, and not setting until 6.30am the next morning! Maybe the sun is planning on going to a rave that week, or something.

The whole year seems to be similarly whacked-out like this, with the sun rising in the middle of the night and setting at stupid times of the morning, changing nearly every week, but for the week of June 25th no time of the sun rising is given at all! It just says **.**. Closer inspection of the small print reveals that this "indicates that the phenomenon does not occur" - so for one week in June the sun will not rise AT ALL!! People will ask what happned to the sun, experts will explain, "ah, this week, the phenomenon does not occur" and we can probably stay in bed for the full seven days.

I am deeply concerned that the state of our environment has got this bad. Concerned, and confused also, as I cannot see how this timetable can possibly be adhered to. According to this information, in many weeks we can apparently expect 18 hours a day of continuous sunlight, which must be terribly bad news for people in Australia and on the other side of the world generally, who will be unable to enjoy their regularly scheduled sunlight on account of it having lost its mind, suddenly deciding to spend 18 hours a day illuminating baffled people in England. (And Scotland, too, where I understand sunlight and better holidays are also available.)

I suppose a cynic might suggest that the information in my diary is just so obviously incorrect as to be unworthy of comment, but up until now I have had no reason to doubt the information in such a reputable publication. Nonetheless, next year perhaps I should be cautious if I am offered any "continental" size 87 shoes.

Friday, October 01, 2004

How Was Your Day?

Larry David has a television series about his everyday life called "Curb Your Enthusiasm", where nothing funny happens for half an hour at a time. By this standard, I should have my own television show. I will call it, "Don't Get So Bloody Excited".

Act one, scene one. Ed goes to the railway station to buy a train ticket. A hilarious situation ensues when the person behind the counter does not know the price of the ticket and must ask Ed for help. Finally a ticket is dispensed, but, oh no, the audience is splitting their sides as Ed notices that it is a ticket only valid in possession of a Young Person's Railcard, which Ed does not have, not being a young person. He has a Network Railcard, which is kind of mid-way between Young Person's and Old Person's Railcard. Ed points out the error to the spotty young person behind the glass. A proper ticket is issued and Ed is on his way for the big day out.

But no! Ed's ticket does not go through the barriers! It beeps and says "SEEK ASSISTANCE. CODE 105." Ed tries again! But again it beeps! Ed tries another barrier, but there are none! Ed returns for a third time (even though Ed's brain knows that "seek assistance" is not something which you can fix by putting the ticket in again) and puts the ticket in again and still it does not work. Ed approaches a second spotty youth, shows him his ticket and explains the error digits displayed on the digital digit display. Spotty youth solves this problem by... opening the gate. No replacement ticket or computerised investigation for Ed. And so, Ed is on his way for the big day out.

Ed then spends several hours on a train during which time nothing particularly interesting happens. (This will be the second bonus extended DVD in the boxset, complete with director non-commentary and blank subtitles.)

Eventually, Ed attends the fabulous big city happening where people dance and disinterested DJs play lyric-free music on a specially designed sound system that only allows you to hear the bass, and absolutely nothing else. But I didn't come for the music, I came for the company, to meet people, and stuff like that. Anyone who knows me knows that this kind of social situation is absolutely the kind of thing that I don't really do. But I'm getting better at it. And nice people I know are here too. So that's good enough for me.

It does take me a couple of hours to fully master the technique of actually being able to hear people over the din of the music and the din of everyone else shouting to make themselves heard over the din of the music. My attempts to teach everyone sign language, to aid communication, fail horrendously, largely because I don't know any yet. Mischievously, I discuss the music with a fellow person and wonder if the DJ is planning on playing any tracks by Busted. My fellow person asks the DJ this very question. The DJ is hugely offended. He will not be playing Busted this evening, and in response to the follow-up question, he will not be playing Busted tomorrow evening either. I have, with some help, annoyed the DJ. This is good fun.
A good time was had by all, but eventually it had to end, so before too long I was staggering back to the train station, wondering if all those diet cokes someone had bought me were entirely alcohol free. It is late, so I decide that some nutrition is required. I join a queue to purchase a burger.

When I reach the front of the queue, the lady in the queue next to me tries to order her burger from my burger operative! She is insistent. "There is a queue!", she says to the operative. "I have been queuing too," I also inform the operative. "Neaaauuu!!! There is a queue here!", the lady whines, and proceeds to order her burger while I am left to wait, which I do so with maximal good grace because I am cool, so cool, so damn cool that I just won't allow some rude lady to spoil my day.

Eventually I get my burger too. And I am still in time for my train, which leaves in 2 minutes. So damn cool - people really should be walking up to me and calling me Fonzie, and I should be going "Ayyyy!" and pointing my thumbs in other directions. But if I did this I would drop my burger, and even if I did, everyone knows that Fonzie does not wear an anorak like I do.

And then I went home, spending several hours on the train during which time nothing of any interest happened at all. That footage will be on the second box set re-release of "Don't Get So Bloody Excited" which you'll buy even though you've already bought the first box set without this disc. Man, if Larry David's life is dull, HBO will pay me billions for this...