How Was Your Day?

Larry David has a television series about his everyday life called "Curb Your Enthusiasm", where nothing funny happens for half an hour at a time. By this standard, I should have my own television show. I will call it, "Don't Get So Bloody Excited".

Act one, scene one. Ed goes to the railway station to buy a train ticket. A hilarious situation ensues when the person behind the counter does not know the price of the ticket and must ask Ed for help. Finally a ticket is dispensed, but, oh no, the audience is splitting their sides as Ed notices that it is a ticket only valid in possession of a Young Person's Railcard, which Ed does not have, not being a young person. He has a Network Railcard, which is kind of mid-way between Young Person's and Old Person's Railcard. Ed points out the error to the spotty young person behind the glass. A proper ticket is issued and Ed is on his way for the big day out.

But no! Ed's ticket does not go through the barriers! It beeps and says "SEEK ASSISTANCE. CODE 105." Ed tries again! But again it beeps! Ed tries another barrier, but there are none! Ed returns for a third time (even though Ed's brain knows that "seek assistance" is not something which you can fix by putting the ticket in again) and puts the ticket in again and still it does not work. Ed approaches a second spotty youth, shows him his ticket and explains the error digits displayed on the digital digit display. Spotty youth solves this problem by... opening the gate. No replacement ticket or computerised investigation for Ed. And so, Ed is on his way for the big day out.

Ed then spends several hours on a train during which time nothing particularly interesting happens. (This will be the second bonus extended DVD in the boxset, complete with director non-commentary and blank subtitles.)

Eventually, Ed attends the fabulous big city happening where people dance and disinterested DJs play lyric-free music on a specially designed sound system that only allows you to hear the bass, and absolutely nothing else. But I didn't come for the music, I came for the company, to meet people, and stuff like that. Anyone who knows me knows that this kind of social situation is absolutely the kind of thing that I don't really do. But I'm getting better at it. And nice people I know are here too. So that's good enough for me.

It does take me a couple of hours to fully master the technique of actually being able to hear people over the din of the music and the din of everyone else shouting to make themselves heard over the din of the music. My attempts to teach everyone sign language, to aid communication, fail horrendously, largely because I don't know any yet. Mischievously, I discuss the music with a fellow person and wonder if the DJ is planning on playing any tracks by Busted. My fellow person asks the DJ this very question. The DJ is hugely offended. He will not be playing Busted this evening, and in response to the follow-up question, he will not be playing Busted tomorrow evening either. I have, with some help, annoyed the DJ. This is good fun.
A good time was had by all, but eventually it had to end, so before too long I was staggering back to the train station, wondering if all those diet cokes someone had bought me were entirely alcohol free. It is late, so I decide that some nutrition is required. I join a queue to purchase a burger.

When I reach the front of the queue, the lady in the queue next to me tries to order her burger from my burger operative! She is insistent. "There is a queue!", she says to the operative. "I have been queuing too," I also inform the operative. "Neaaauuu!!! There is a queue here!", the lady whines, and proceeds to order her burger while I am left to wait, which I do so with maximal good grace because I am cool, so cool, so damn cool that I just won't allow some rude lady to spoil my day.

Eventually I get my burger too. And I am still in time for my train, which leaves in 2 minutes. So damn cool - people really should be walking up to me and calling me Fonzie, and I should be going "Ayyyy!" and pointing my thumbs in other directions. But if I did this I would drop my burger, and even if I did, everyone knows that Fonzie does not wear an anorak like I do.

And then I went home, spending several hours on the train during which time nothing of any interest happened at all. That footage will be on the second box set re-release of "Don't Get So Bloody Excited" which you'll buy even though you've already bought the first box set without this disc. Man, if Larry David's life is dull, HBO will pay me billions for this...