The One With The Poo (ED! #05)

As I sit in front of this computer, tissues to left of me, vapo-rub to right of me, I note with some horror that my very own page has laid neglected for exactly 21 days!

A grevious error, and one which I must immediately put right. But first I must apply this stinky greasy stuff to my body, so please look away for a moment...

Ah, that's better. Now I know how Odo felt in DS9 tonight. Did you see it? Nah, doesn't matter.

The thing with vaporub is that you never know just how much to apply. Having just rubbed myself silly with a liberal quantity of the mixture I'm currently getting a kind of "one sinex up each nostril" kind of scent, which I'm sure is what is required here.

This will certainly make me popular in the office tomorrow. I wonder if anyone will ask me out. Hm, on an unrelated note, I assume the fumes this stuff gives off aren't a fire hazard? Naah, they wouldn't sell this stuff if it wasn't safe.

Well, anyway, having spent the best part of 3 and a half days in bed, I find myself well stocked with thoughts and musings for this page. Why, this could keep me going up to Christmas!

One thing happened this morning which hit me in the face and made me say YES, this is what I'll be writing about today.

It was a schools programme on BBC2. Starring a woman and that famous acting doggie, Pippin.

It was a very odd show - I only happened to crash into it after having surfed through the best part of 34 cable channels and tried the terrestrials.

I should have known what I was in for when the screen filled with a picture of a pristine porcelain toilet, and the word 'sewage' was spelled out in those learn-to-read big curvy back-to-school type letters. It was a programme all about sewage, yes.

Now forgive me if I throw a CJ here, but when I went to school, we weren't told about sewage, and we certainly didn't have schools programmes telling us what was what!

Anyway, the makers of this bizarre schools programme decided that the best way to illustrate exactly how sewage works was for the amazing acting dog Pippin to .. erm.. do his doggie doo in the garden. Then we'd follow its progress through the sewage system.

How does doggy doo become sewage? Well, sit back and be as informed as I became this morning.

Pippin's business was discovered by his bouncy lady minder (I didn't catch her name) who squealed "Oh Pippin! You've done a poo!" upon sighting the doggy's contribution to the education process in the garden.

Now I'm 24 and I thought that line was hilarious. Had I been between 6 and 12 and watching this in school I would lay money that I would still be laughing at it, even now!

Anyway, Mrs Bouncy ran indoors, came back out decked out in full yellow marigolds and with a little plastic bag, in which she carefully picked up the doggy doo and ran indoors with it.

For the briefest flash of a second it crossed my mind that it looked as if she was collecting these items, but no.

Into the bathroom we go, and Mrs B unwraps the doo from the plastic bag, and flushes it.

You'll note that she didn't do what everyone else would have done and flushed the bag as well. (Presumably the water board would have been most upset, had she done so.)

Anyway, this exercise in doggy hygiene set the premise for us tracking exactly where sewage goes once it has left the toilet.

And it was fascinating stuff. I can tell you're interested. Oh go on, admit it!

Mrs B then went a-walking Pippin in the park where she came across two gentlemen tending to a manhole.

"Can I have a look down your sewer?" she says. "Well you're not allowed down there but I suppose if you really want to we can let you have a look around", says Mr Drainage.

I swear I'm not making this up.

So down the sewer she goes (leaving Pippin above ground), and more education was delivered..

And very nice the sewers were too. But the learning didn't stop there, because there was still the sewage processing plant to visit! This was all done above ground, and Mrs B took Pippin with her.

He probably wasn't very interested, but Pippin's a professional dog and this was a job, which is more than most doggies his age have.

Anyway, this led to the second classic line of the morning: "Can you see your poo yet, Pippin?"

Pippin, naturally, shook his head.

If dogs could talk, (and I understand from watching 'Wishbone' that there are more advanced models of dog which do this) he would probably have said something like "Don't be so silly you daft old woman. And why are you so interested in my poo anyway?"

I just cannot imagine what the reaction to lines like this would have been in a real life classroom, where this programme was meant for!

Please accept my apologies if I've just put you off your kebabs or other evening meal, by the way. It's occured to me that this isn't the most savoury subject in the world.

Had I brought this up at the dinner table in front of my mother I don't think she'd have been at all impressed. But that's the younger generation for you.

So, that's how I spent my morning in bed. Bet you're glad you asked now!